Shaq, You Meanie!

As an avid reader of the Not-So-Great-Debate, I was troubled to read Shaq's unflattering remarks towards me. His accusations were baseless and without merit; and Coach Pop told me it's okay for me to be sad that he hurt my feelings.

To help me process my emotions, I'm writing an open letter to Shaquille in the interest of full disclosure and honest repartee...


Dearest Shaq,

What do you have to be so mean? Making fun of my nickname - how immature. After all, wasn't it YOU who started calling me "The Big Fundamental" a few years ago, when we knocked your Lakers out of the playoffs? I didn't ask for a nickname, and I certainly didn't ask for you to resort to name calling. I cried for a solid hour after you publicly humiliated me. I haven't been this hurt since David Stern told me I had to start wearing a tie to press conferences.

Secondly, I'm from the United States Virgin Islands, which has very little in common with the Bahamas or Puerto Rico. I am a United States citizen. There's no reason for your geographical and historical ignorance to compel you to offend my people in the USVI.

Thirdly, your attack on my tattoo is borderline sexual harassment. Be expecting a call from my lawyers at Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. In case you care, I have a picture of Merlin the Magician on my chest and a skeleton jester on my shoulder. Yeah, I'm a fan of Dungeons & Dragons...so what? I like the Grateful Dead (hence the jester tat)...what's it to you? Last I checked, the Dead sold a few more albums than "Shaq Fu". Jealous?

Finally, you seem to have an objection to my reactions to foul calls. I'm sorry that my eyes bug out from my head. It's a birth defect (at least that's what my mommy told me). I can't help it. When referees are unfair to me, I have to react in the most effective, non-violent way possible. Besides, who are you to criticize me for complaining about officiating? You have over 4 times as many technical fouls in your career as me. I think someone should look in the mirror before throwing stones at others.

I'm disappointed, Shaq. I thought you respected me...I know how much I respect you. I hope some day we can be friends, once I'm done healing from all the mean things you said. At least I have Manu, Tony, and Fabricio to take care of my emotional needs.

See you on April 9.

Love,
Timmy