Re: Shaq & The Suns

Dear Shaq,

Congrats on your superhuman feats of strength. Indeed, it's not since Dumbo and his magic feather that we've seen an elephant fly...even if it's only for a fleeting second or two. Perhaps you could employ your new talent into diving for an occasional loose ball or blocking a shot by someone not named Tony Parker or Jason Kidd.

Did you know that they're calling you "The Big Cactus" in Phoenix? FYI, this is not a term of endearment. Cactuses (or cacti, if you will) are large and immobile. They get in the way of fancy cars trying to drive quickly through the desert (aka "Steve Nash"). They take up space and contribute very little.

As one of the 17 people who initially supported this trade, I had hoped that you would improve Phoenix's team defense, give match-up problems to the likes of Duncan/Gasol/Garnett, and let the other four Suns on the floor (aka "the athletes") do their thing. I'm still holding out hope that you will turn into 1994-Shaq...but I think the only way for that to happen is for Grant Hill and his 73 year-old ankles to convince you that your wife will give you back the millions she stole from you in the divorce if you lose 50 pounds and start shattering backboards.

In the meantime, the Big Aristotle needs to get his head out of the clouds and on a treadmill.

Sincerely,
Ulle